My favorite part about sex is when it’s over…yea I said it. (keep reading!)
I’ve always had a love/hate relationship with sex (or sexual activity). I loved the feeling of bonding with someone. I loved the spontaneity of a touch or a kiss. I loved the idea of intimacy and closeness. However, I hated the thoughts that would invade my mind at the most inopportune times. Thoughts about going too far. What even IS too far? I hated when the shame started to creep in, knowing that moment of satisfaction would only lead to confusion. But mostly, I hated when it was over. I’d be proud in one sense that I had the courage to stop before going farther, but convicted in another sense for treading so closely to the edge. This double mind was the worst. It distracted my study time. It dampened my prayers and stifled my worship.
Finally I made a decision to stop. Yep, just stop. I decided to stop pretending I had the discipline to pull back before things went too far. To stop giving in to my desires. To stop kissing. To stop touching. To stop straddling the fence and to focus solely on maintaining a healthy relationship with the Lord. I wanted to pray without needing to start with repentance. I wanted to stop hoping that somehow God didn’t know what happened the night before. Sexual activity then became a foreign place. I knew it wasn’t inherently bad, it just wasn’t for me at the time. Kinda like giving a T-bone steak to a new born. Not only does the baby not have teeth to tear through the meat, but their digestive system is not developed enough to process solid food. I eventually admitted that although physical intimacy felt good, it wasn’t intended for me to enjoy at that stage in my life.
After a passionate night with my husband, I got up, headed to the shower and prepared breakfast. Arriving at church right in time for praise and worship, I lifted my hands and sang in my loudest voice “Lord you are good and Your mercy endureth forever.” It was in that moment I realized my favorite part about sex is when it’s over! Some may be thinking ‘oh it must not have been that great,’ but my excitement had nothing to do with that. It was the first time I was able to experience the height of intimacy with my husband immediately followed by the joy of intimacy with the Lord. Never had I ever been able to freely express my sexuality and turn around and worship God without feeling hypocritical. Never was I able to wake up with such mental clarity, after connecting so affectionately with a man. God’s design was finally apparent and the purpose of “I Kissed Kissing Goodbye” was finally being realized. At the age of 28, it was one of the hardest decisions I ever made but one I would never regret.
I have found that sex, in the confines of marriage, is the only way to have your cake and eat it too. Yea, I know this is literally and metaphorically supposed to be impossible, but in what other world do you get to explore the height and depth of your sexuality and still go before the Lord without condemnation? There are many people who believe you should do what you want and allow your body to be its own boss. That way of living is not only dangerous, but is the surest way to build a wall of pride, disillusionment and shame between you and your creator. He created us and therefore knows our desires and tendencies. So please tell me, what advice does a mere man have that supersedes the teachings of Christ? He tells us to flee from sexual immorality (I Corinthians 6) because it is the one sin that we commit against our own body. It clouds our thoughts and leads us outside of the will of God. Once I made my decision, the freedom of worship became sweeter than any kiss. Guilt no longer had a place to dwell. And now since sex is in the right context, I wake up every morning and go before the Lord boldly, knowing I am in right standing. Now if that’s not sweet love, I don’t know what is!